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The Bodger Cull

Young, gilded and slack

News that Bodgers are to be culled has been met with complete indifference by a jaded public despite alarming new evidence.  A leading political scientist has claimed their influence is now disproportionately rife and what was once endemic to a narrow strata of the UK has become an all-embracing virus that threatens the populace as a whole.

Bodgers have been suspected of insidiously spreading TB (Total Bullshit) among the population for the last two years.  Bodgers are biologically unique in that they both carry and initiate the TB virus simultaneously.  This makes them immune to its effects – although they do suffer euro sceptic flu and free marketitis to varying degrees.

Symptoms of the epidemic manifest themselves initially as a series of random cuts and an associated stunting of growth.  Many patients report a general malaise affecting their well-being.  From this, feelings of hopelessness and an overwhelmingly depressive outlook develop – eventually leading to overt physical results: these long-term effects include reduction of employment prospects and self-respect; accompanied by complete benefit withdrawal and subsequent loss of dwelling space.

“They are known to forage – collecting directorships and donations on regular extended jaunts to the economically rich feeding grounds of Parliament.” 

The Bodgers’ core habitat has been identified among the rich sets of London – mainly in a few select postcode areas – and in the much larger home sets they frequent in the southern shire counties; although these are commonly left empty for most of the year as they embark on their genetically inbred mission – otherwise considered as a divine right – to promulgate TB among the rest of the population.  This second home syndrome is a particular trait of the species.  Third home fever is not unknown – usually a feature of spreading the virus abroad – however, in the majority of cases this is highly unlikely due to a prevailing mood of suspicion, a deep-rooted need for isolation and associated dislike of diversity.

A few vociferous critics of the proposed cull point to a mysterious contradiction at work.  They cite evidence that the A1 or Dominant Bodger has never truly held sway in the provinces despite their many attempts to establish functioning colonies.  That the symptoms of TB are worse in these non-domicile areas lends credence to the contention and is cause enough for them to propose a temporary halt for further clarification: those in favour argue that this is simply being economic with the economic truth.

Contrary to folklore Bodgers are not exclusively nocturnal although there is something of the night about them.  They are known to forage – collecting directorships and donations on regular extended jaunts to the economically rich feeding grounds of Parliament.  It is seldom that Bodgers will experience anything other than feast conditions in their extended lifespan.  Meals are subsidised and lavish; often dependent on sponsors who reciprocate favours in symbiotic relationships.  Many claim they have seen Bodgers having their backs scratched in return for similarly preferential treatment – although this is true metaphorically rather than literally in most cases.

Those seeking to observe this typically assigned behaviour have to employ tactics of subterfuge and camouflage: those who choose to – go baiting behind closed doors – as the practice is known invoke extreme lengths using modern technology and investigative techniques such as taking on the identity of the host.  It’s a difficult process which has been known to end in libel charges, arrest, or presentation of the collected evidence in the High Court.

Bodgers are not a particularly shy species despite a popular prejudice which refers more to their relatively small numbers than any observed behaviour.  PR and profile is important to them but only as a means to an end.  Resplendent in their sober black jackets and trousers – or suits as they are collectively known – or in the long tails variant at an official privileged overground gathering; they enjoy having their picture taken with the right people at every opportunity.  They do not have a specific winter coat: Bodgers are seldom exposed to the elements, the cold winds of change or the secondary effects of TB.  White shirts complete the black and white contrast in appearance – and philosophical outlook – that is so beloved of the Bodger going about its daily business.

From a young age Bodgers begin to exhibit the clubbable nature and drive to exclusivity which defines behaviour patterns the rest of their lives.  Bodgers are often marginalised from meaningful maternal instinct; they are sent to special schooling sets to live as boarding Bodgers to hone their life skills.  The females that these young males come into contact with tend to be authority figures such as Nanny and Matron and the Headmaster’s wife.   Loyalty, teamwork and honour is universally prized in the group situation – unless of course there is a better offer.

Some observers identify them as parasites while also claiming that there is no clear defining reason for their existence in a modern society.  There is less controversy over their prey which is universally predictable and not remotely seasonal – they regularly hunt the Sponger, the Malingerer, the Economically Inactive, the Old and the Weak with chilling conviction but very little outward efficiency.  This is extended to Johnny Foreigner when the mood or circumstance dictates.

“…once culled these Bullingdon Bodgers be cooked and fed to poor children in northern cities in lieu of benefits.”

Of particular interest are the prime sub-species of Bullingdon Bodger – a headstrong creature of rarefied origins which much like the urban fox can be tracked easily around the City marking out its territory.  Distinguishing behaviour is an aloofness and unselfconscious mastery which leaves them out of touch with ordinary people despite any close proximity: attempts at contact – called photoopportunities among close observers – remain in general socially awkward.  Their droppings are regularly released from a great height onto junior members of the group or on the officials that carry out the orders of the set like so many worker bees.

Self-styled chef, broadcaster, country woman and all-round Fat Lady Clarissa Dickson Wright has suggested that once culled these Bullingdon Bodgers be cooked and fed to poor children in northern cities in lieu of benefits.  “The meat is remarkably tender and pale – a bit like veal – as they have led sheltered lives unaware of harsh realities and been fed the best of everything.  Lovers of country pursuits should aim for the midriff which is often white and flabby: this cut is best left – I suggest feeding to the dogs at the end of the shoot – and general muscle tone is poor whether hung or not.  As a result there is a tendency for the meat’s structure to disintegrate as a joint but it is fine for hearty pies and pasties if cooked quickly at a high temperature.  Given the working classes love of anything fatty, fast cooked or pastry encased the match is I believe obvious to say the least.”

A notable political observer has concluded: “This physical disintegration/non-development is reflective of the pyramid of cultural hegemony within the UK and the Bodgers’ historically assured position: to be a Bullingdon Bodger means believing in self-regulated Darwinism and divide and rule while leaving the difficult, dirty and menial tasks to others.”  He sums up in relation to the cull: “There is no doubt that in this gilded position – and given the conditions of elite private codification in which the young are reared – TB inevitably flourishes.  The Cameron, Osborne, Johnson axis is the living DNA of this process.”

In recent times a new phenomenon has been observed in the life cycle of the Bodger.  Their habitat and subsequently their behaviour have been moderated somewhat by an extremely new minor sub-species dubbed – the Lib Dem Bodger.  These awkward – some would say unnatural – attempts at Coalition have generally been as troublesome as breeding giant Pandas.  An expert has described this small group as – “A loose collective of timid creatures not used to exposure or of gaining positions of power in the historical hierarchy of the Bodger groups.”

The Lib Dem Bodger – once interested in a different form of PR – has also been identified with the same strain of TB but on closer investigation this has exhibited as superficial and unconvincing in viral terms: little more than a combination of placebo and panacea.  Many have dismissed the phenomenon as nothing more than a convenient veneer or evolutionary blip – despite the presence of the high profile Clegg gene: the Lib Dem Bodger is an easily spotted but ultimately pointless variant of the biological structure.

Our expert continues… “This group can be discerned and differentiated from the Bullingdon Bodger by its opportunistic behaviour and that it is largely invertebrate – to the layman this means it has no backbone.  One can safely say that although this group has attempted a limited coup in the Parliamentary set this has been resisted by the stronger more dominant males.  The tactics of the established Bodger is to entice and lull adversaries into a false sense of security before the stab in the back – the most popular form of attack/defence combined.  As expected females are few and far between and seem to live only with the dominant male approval at various Bodger sites called ministries.”

It is expected that despite the intended cull almost all elements of the Bullingdon Bodger chains of command and distinctive social advantage will remain intactThey have extremely well-defined survival tendencies – they are the friends in high places of popular renown – and they will ultimately be identified as a problem again.  However, the Lib Dem Bodger is expected to be effectively wiped out when a broader and more effective Phase Two Cull – that covers the whole of the UK and is projected to take place in 2015 – occurs.  This sub-species is then expected to return to myth much like the Abominable Snowman.

Without exhibiting undue cynicism experts confidently expect isolated sightings of the Lib Dem Bodger in places such as Cornwall and odd pockets of the south to predicate very soon after this date.  It is probably too fanciful – or apocalyptic even – to envisage expeditions and tourist sightings to follow the pattern of the Loch Ness Monster.  However, in the years that follow these Lib Dem veterans of the Coalition will no doubt regale disbelieving youngsters in their social sets with tall tales beginning with the phrase – I was there when Nick Clegg…


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