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Some Of The Characters You@ll Meet On LinkedIn

LinkedIn LogoThe Big Blanket:  Ego Tweets – all of ‘em.  I’m social mediaMe.  No sense of irony; no sense of humour; no sense of time and place.  Buying coffee; on the train; conferences; bars; in a meeting and hey it’s raining… Well I never!

The Company Blanket:  The Big Game Hunter.  The HR stalker.  Just has to be LinkedIn to everybody in a particular company.  Adopts the same relentless drive of an adolescent stamp collector with rampant OCD.  Includes connecting to the Big Issue seller at the Tube station outside; the part-time agency woman on the front desk; the bearded guy who stops for a quick cigarette in the alley by company headquarters on his way to work at another firm in the next street each morning except Thursday when his wife gives him a lift as the…

The Wet Blanket:  I didn’t get where I am today… It’s my career.  I will not connect/respond/converse about anything, or anyone, or attempt to broaden my horizons beyond my niche, my industry, my life.   Hmm; really fits with the open image conveyed in your profile.stop-hand-sign

The Comfort Blanket:  Let’s Snuggle Up.  The instant anyone from your company puts anything up you respond like Pavlov’s dog and Like.  Like… everyone can see the action is cynical in the extreme: like… false hysteria and I was like so not impressed.

The Shared Blanket:  I’ll let you borrow my blanket if you let me borrow yours.  A is wonderful/ marvellous says B.  Two minutes later – B is wonderful/marvellous says A.  It’s so obvious: can’t you even wait a day to conduct this shameless and pointless trade–off?!

Blanket Coverage:  Is this really relevant?  I will only talk about anything as it relates to the issue: the specific issue; the whole issue and nothing but the issue that I shared with you.  And anyway you’re not a connection…

Blanket On The Ground:  All Welcome.  Politeness personified.  Come on – share with me what you’ve got.  I might not be interested now but at some point in the future you never know we might need each other or do business… I’m open-minded; open to approaches and an open book.

Blanket Bath:  Who needs wallpaper?  All those endorsements from people you’ve never met and unlikely skill listings that ring like a series of vocational certificates from the University of Channel Five. Do you honestly think anyone reads them?  I guess something sticks to a blanket…

Blanket Stitch:  Unsafe Text.  Don’t forget to match the details with the rest of your social media.  Remember… It will all come undone in the end if you ain’t being honest.thumbs up

Born On The Wrong Side Of The Blanket:  Hey you were young once… what’s so wrong with connecting with those on the way up?  What’s so wrong with encouragement and advice?  You might meet them on the way down…

Wire Wool Blanket:  Da-Dah!!!  I’ve got the 500+  I don’t really need you.  I’ve arrived.  I am a big cheese.  I am someone.  Just call me Mr/Ms Popular… Oh… there’s a guy with 2000+  Wonder if he knows them all?

Blanket Behaviour:  Now Pay Attention!  If you want to succeed you’ve got to… Those interminable lists of how to behave on LinkedIn – how the hell is anyone going to broaden their horizons?  You’re young and ambitious; you don’t have any business contacts… It’s not etiquette – it’s iron clad.

The Ones Who Steal Your Blanket:  Ex-cuse Me!  The strip miners.  The ones who collect all your connections en masse in a few days.  No organically grown fibre in their blanket.  I want them all and I want them now… Sub Sect One: Blankety-Blank: the ones who take your blanket but won’t let you see theirs.  Sub Sect Two: Electric Blanket – those who whirl around illogically as if encouraged by an electric cattle prod.  Let’s NETWORK!shaking-hands 2

The Babe Blanket:  Oh yes, yes, yes!  Connects only with the seriously fittest, most attractive-looking women he can find.  He knows who he is.  Bet you wish your connections were hot like mine?  Dontcha?  Dontcha?  So much better now the pictures have got bigger…

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