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Someone-s Having A Bad Day!

head-in-hands-statueThere you were – just being polite… making conversation; showing an interest – passing the time… But you never expected that – did you?  I’m sorry I only asked…

 “You going on another adventure holiday this year?”

“A holiday?!  An adventure?!  You’re serious – right?!  Adventure?  What adventure?!   There’s nothing left.  There are no secret places: no true wilderness anymore.  No big horizons.  No pristine void for us to define our latent dreams across uncluttered broad skies that stretch from sunrise to sunset.  No primeval vistas to be written in hardship and triumph like first settlers on our consciousness.  No unexploited nature that hasn’t been subject to a tourist feasibility study first.  Buy! Sell! Consume!  The unholy trinity of our age that poisons our spirituality: haunting our words and actions like a self-propagating epidemic…

“There’s nowhere for the imagination that hasn’t been opinionated, delineated, populated, polluted, contrived, convoluted or deflated; littered with theory; shrunk by the demands of marketing pressure – or leftover as hollow expression masquerading as truth.  This isn’t a time for heroes… There’s no mythology anymore; no legends; no urban myths.  It’s an age of zeroes where we’re left to count the cost.  Just a big IOU on our hopes and a credit crunch for the environment.  Everywhere has been Googled, signposted; recommended in a spate of travelling reality show one-upmanship.  It’s all about keeping up with the Attenboroughs; the Grylls and the Mears.  Or that horrible couple in their fifties that live down the road from me who got out of the rat race with final salary pensions before the recession hit.  Smug bastards!

“There are no more apocryphal tales… what we’re left with are virals that are constructed to fill the gap where our imagination once workeHomer-head-slapd.  Everything is strategically placed to the point of emotional gridlock… our dreams are floating detritus in a big pool of stagnant ideology.  What was once big is now small – and vice versa.  The cat’s out the bag; the genie’s out of the bottle and some minor personality is falling out her dress on social media on purpose…

“Data; that’s what we’ve got – which is Big Brother with net curtains – and a Taser!  We’re up to our necks, immersed in analytics and mobile technology that is promoted as life-enhancing but is the biggest strait jacket control and exploitation mechanism in history.  And we’re all sleepwalking into it on the basis of better access to dogs on bloody skateboards!

“Go down the shops and CCTV knows us better than our own families… It’s a human zoo where all our preferences and little foibles are fed to some sinister mainframe where nameless spooks put us in piles of psychological types behind terrorists and sexual predators.  Everything we say is logged and dissected – tested and examined for words that incriminate.  Everything is photographed; transmitted and damned; examined, read and follows in our footsteps as our mobiles become behavioural beacons transmitting a signal of no hope…

“Our experience is mediated and designated in life’s theme park.  Our response or reaction to anything is heightened, cheapened and hysterical… this is how you behave in a world of limitless possibilities – the right way that is defined by tuppeny TV shows where emotion is throwaway and a career move designed to get you from A to B.  It’s not enough anymore to smile or say you’re sorry – you’ve got to kowtow to the group hysteria where every detail of our dreary lives must be paraded as if we’re in our own movie; where we’re our own director pushing our own brand…

“We’re fat, flabby and obese on information.  As we tighten our belts we cut the oxygen to our brains.  There’s so much availableHomer-head-slap yet we can’t function without psychosis or dumbing down.  We have access to the greatest treasure trove of choice and information EVER in the history of mankind and WHAT DO WE DO?!  We check out celebrities and novelty nonentities – that’s what!

“Don’t fear the reaper… Death is a photo-opportunity; a transmuted reality – buy the flowers, take the teddy bear… Every political note is timed for the news; every redundant sound bite prefaced on Twitter.  We’re a nation of ambulance chased health and safety risk-assessed freaks high on PPI claims.  Life is just a series of inflated molehills… Go to the top of a mountain and there’s the bloody celebrities again gathered for charity or gap year goons burning Mummy’s money on keeping real real life at bay for a little while longer.

“Excuse me Sir Ranulph, Prince Harry and you – that woman out of Emmerdale – but the balloon’s gone up and it’s not only bloody Richard Branson in it.  Put a logo on your dreams; devolve responsibility; smooth the rocky path with bribes and networking; toe the line.  Everything is so busy justifying its existence in balance sheet and exploitative terms – in the language that defines and destroys swathes of lives at the click of a key…

“There are no challenges that aren’t invented on a whim and for maximum publicity.  You can’t do anything anymore without you have to be seen being seen to be doing it.  Have we reached our peak?  Our Everest?  You bet your life we have… we’re collectively stupid, inane, borderline insane while we’re busy freefalling down the other side of the mountain to an overpopulated, environmentally denigrated, overrated, nuclear-scarred, nightmare stalked by jihadists, tribal strife, hunger and Joey bloody Essex!

“Mt Everest; shall I tell you what you’ll find there?  Shall I?  Human faeces frozen in neat piles for eternity alongside McDonald’s wrappers.  That’s what!  So no… I’m not goin’ on holiday this year – adventure or otherwise!  I’m staying home with the curtains drawn.  Al-right?!!!”Simpsons

Er… Someone’s having a bad day…


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