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I Speak Your Weight – Election Special

Obese belly two

Conservatives TORY:  “It’s time to stand on your own two feet, pull your belt in and throw those curtains wide before six in the morning; along with the rest of the hard-working families in our country who pay their full tax contribution toward getting down the deficit.  Did I tell you me and Sam love a bit of Elbow?  Had enough of those First Aid Kit puns: problem is that it could be become all a bit arse from elbow in the left-leaning press.  Talking of arses… you’re sitting on a real Boris aren’t you?  Don’t worry we’re all in this together, although I don’t mention that so much anymore.  Actually it looks like we’re all in your trackies.  Don’t worry, this is the caring face of Conservatism.  IDS has arranged an appointment for you at an assessment centre… we’re sure you can do more than you think and so much better for your self-esteem if you earn your minimum wage instead of us just hand you benefits like a delivery man from the Dominos pizza parlour.  I’m sorry but a stomach band is an ineffective waste of resources that doesn’t address the real problem.  We’ve got NHS funding ring-fenced but we can’t afford to ring the over-inflated Labour bellies that have previously grown fat on their ineffective policies.  A bit of austerity is a good source of medicine.  We want benefits for the good of you and our country.  For you to be economically inactive and obese is the result of too much chillaxin… what’s that?  You have independent means?  Why didn’t you say so in the first place.  After all, it’s about personal choice and small government.  There are great private clinics coming into the NHS and did we say when you – no doubt – die young; we’ll let you pass so much more in inheritance onto your children other than just those fat genes.”

LabourLABOUR:  “Hell yeh, you’re fat!  Unlike old new labour we tell it like it is but only after we’ve properly funded our rhetoric.  That’s the socially and economically responsible way that I will introduce as soon as I’m made prime minister of our country.  Yes, we too will get you an appointment but you’ll be guaranteed to get it within two weeks; unlike the Tories who’ll let you get morbidly obese before they do something.  We also want you to contribute; but if you do you’ll still receive in-work benefits and a booklet about healthy eating.  So if you vote for us on May the seventh we promise you’ll see a friendly British counsellor – not an over-zealous official from a private foreign firm who want to make a profit out of you.  In the Labour party we’ll listen to your reasons for being overweight before we ask you to make a contribution to getting our country’s deficit down together, responsibly and compassionately.  We’ll also tax those companies who encourage you and your children to eat their fatty, sugary and salty products, as well as ban the advertising on these products.  I’m a family man: I’ve got two young children myself and between I and Justine, we know only too well the pressures of keeping two kitchens free of this corporate crack.  We will fight this free market evil that piles the pounds on you and the profits onto the faceless shareholders whose selfish actions deny so many of you a future.”

Liberal Democrats

LIB DEMS:  “Well, first of all your condition is not cause for public approbation.  No-one ever got anywhere by name calling and the politics of the playground.  You’ve been lucky that we’ve been able to moderate the Tories in the last five years or else it’s likely you would have been placed in a fat camp by Iain Duncan Smith under a regime of, no weight loss – no benefits.  We’re not happy that you’re carrying a burden.  But in the Lib Dems we’re looking to relieve the burden on ordinary people that David Cameron’s obsessive austerity has caused.  We’re all about grown up solutions: what we call joined-up politics.  Politics with a human face.  It’s far less about vitriolic outburst and accusatory pointing of fingers.  You’re a victim first and foremost of a food system that puts profit over nourishment.  Secondly, it’s a mental illness and we will address your condition with the biggest investment in mental illness services ever.  It’s a sea change in attitudes that’s long overdue, so vote for the compromise that works.”

UKIP:  “To begin with, we’re not like all those other parties with their cosy Westminster club… you’re fat!  There we are, we’ve said it!  You are an elephant!  Now if you were fat and an immigrant as well you’d be the elephant in the room of British politics.  So it’s lucky that most of those crooks from behind the old Iron Curtain look as if they could do with a square meal.  Yes, lardarse – you’d really be persona non grata!  However, let’s forget all that foreign lingo.  We like to call a spade a spade, though obviously not in that way; because we’re not racist, fattist or any of those other molly-coddling European court, social worker terms which preclude you from getting your finger out your wobbly arse.  While you’re lickin’ the chicken fat from your fingers people from abroad are taking your job.  A little more effort on your part my friend and we wouldn’t need to get so many of them in – would we?!  So porky; that’s right you’re obese… morbidly obese in fact.  You look as gross as two mother-in-laws squabbling over the remains of a Big Mac down the greasy left leg of a Chav onesie.  Slim down and let’s give Brussels the big finger together!  Instead of going out to get more damn chicken – vote for the British cockerel to rule its own farmyard instead!  VoteUKIP UKIP!”

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