Go Trump My Farage!

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They were scarcely Kennedy or 9/11 moments… The associations of their names – the whiff of a bad smell and the surname echoing a confused hodgepodge of meaning – are the only things to live up to expectations. But beyond the easy pickings for stand-ups and political commentators, the ramifications of the Trump Presidential and… Read more.

Give a Pigeon a Bad Name

PigeonMy town square has pigeons. They can be a nuisance: it’s in their DNA. The promise of crumbs from al fresco diners is too much for them to resist. If they do, it’s only because last night’s fast food leftovers deliver a feeding frenzy that is full fat and addictive, in a way that the subsistence peckings of pavement nouvelle cuisine are not. There’s nothing unique to add to this scene. It’s a familiar one in any town.

I was sitting with a cappuccino outside the local library as pigeons frothed around my ankles, combining the relentless optimism of cold callers with the persistence of a gentleman’s excuse me, soundtracked by Chumbawamba’s Tubthumping. An agitated member from a group of five youths strutted across the square like a cock pigeon scorned aiming indiscriminate kicks. I asked if this was really necessary and took another form of abuse: “What’s the problem… they’re only fuckin’ rats wiv wings!” His four friends laughed as the easily-impressed do. This is also depressingly familiar.

At Your Convenience…

Beyond the knee jerk animal cruelty that is routinely employed to make someone very small feel fleetingly significant, there are more malevolent forces at work. From the received wisdom of popular psychology I identified a future serial killer, then killed the thought stone dead. This group of five were simply a pin head extension of these forces; the foot soldiers, the mercenaries… forces made explicit in a way that seldom inspires anything other than grim resignation from witnesses; along with the urge to avoid getting involved that bolsters their sense of acceptable behaviour. Hand wringing in private or whispered condemnation is as far as it goes… they’re only pigeons after all; they deserve it – don’t they? It’s as if no one wants to dig too deep for fear of what they might have to confront in themselves, as much as any fear of physical intimidation.

“Life – sorry Forrest – is like a Russian doll… inside each example is another, and another, and another…”

It’s difficult for animals regardless of whether times are hard or not. When the going gets tough their tough life increases exponentially – far better than confronting our own problems and inadequacies. It’s not enough to dismiss this simply as a subset of human nature, especially when the longevity of this behaviour suggests the nurture of history. The self-justifications are many and smear their blight indiscriminately down the ages. The accusations build like pigeon droppings on a monument: they bring dirt and disease; collective menace from sheer force of numbers: their existence is an affront to our decent, civilised way of life. Or, they are just taking up space and undeserved resources; not to mention the plain nuisance value of just always being there – it’s a sub-clause from a bigot’s charter by any other name.

May the Force Forgive You…

The pigeon’s behaviour isn’t much different to that of a crow, a magpie, a seagull, a rat, a fox – or anything else that ekes a living on the margins of our economy from the nourishment of road kill, human waste and litter. Or, that of any other species effectively built, poisoned, or intensively farmed out of its own environment; that try our patience and disconnect from the natural world by the temerity of trying to survive no matter the hand they are dealt. We bring it on our selves…

Politics, the systems we live by: our behaviour, our responsibilities: these barely merit a mention in any debate. It’s all as black and white as a magpie. What is key is their success through adaptability: in contrast to our well developed inability to get through a day without a handy takeaway, alternatives to walking and a functioning mobile signal. If you need an excuse to go deep; the pigeon is part of a chain: it’s there for a reason, from a process, scientific happenstance, or a creator with a bigger plan than we have – or can possibly know.

Smoke and Mirrors…

It’s one of life’s mysteries – scarcely noir, more irredeemably black – concerning the – who, what, when, where and why of these furtive decisions on social pariah status. How did the pigeon become allocated to life’s perennial shit pile? Who conspires; or is the moral arbiter of what goes in the out tray – the Room 101 with serious consequences; of what is considered mildly unacceptable, or receives the full thumbs down wrath of indiscriminate cruelty? Why are foxes any craftier than a domestic dog? Why are pigeons intrinsically dirtier than a dove? Context, scavenging and habit aside… where are the smoke-filled rooms where these cold, calculated collations are cooked up to provide a recipe for posterity, folk tale, novel, film, playground and public policy? Or is it foolish to even attempt to use metaphors of order to explain an evolution hazy from the human stew of history, prejudice, brain chemistry and experience?

“What’s the problem… they’re only fuckin’ rats wiv wings!”

Is it in the same room – or is there another adjacent – where this branding is applied to human targets with the same disregard for resulting actions? Are these human curses and stigma the result of financial imperative, narrow self-interest, control, or a plain old streak of sadism? Whatever justifies cruelty to a pigeon is, in the same blink of an eye, an inbred relative capable of painting all Roma as crooks, immigrants as benefit scroungers and Northeners as uncultured pie-eaters – feral is as feral does. There are some more practical tools of the trade; the explicit machinery, whereby those with money and power push their own agendas in politics, the media and employment relations for economic gain, divide and rule; or because, from their exalted position in the world – they can.

When You’re Weary, Feelin’ Small…

Next time you have a bad day, feel small, take up the dark baton of human history – or whatever excuse you’re going to use when you face the mirror in the morning – and feel the urge to kick something when it’s down, remember it propagates more of the same. And, that there is often a bigger foot intent on something much more sinister, that has been threatening your backside from the day you were born.

Life – sorry Forrest – is like a Russian doll… inside each example is another, and another, and another: behind every carelessly aimed, malevolent kick there is one from the same self-perpetuating mould stretching deep back into the murky past. Which for a human being – as for a pigeon – is nothing whatsoever to coo about.

New Creative Director Branded

Prosecco

“You met the new Creative Director yet?”

“Yesterday… she introduced herself in the foyer; then she had an informal meet and greet over some Prosecco with the team on our floor… you?”

“Yeh… saw her in the lift… had a quick chat…”

“What d’ya think?”

“She’s got a great reputation, a shed load of awards; had a fast track to the board if she wanted it but can’t live without the day-to-day creative according to Don…”

Re – spect…”

“Full of energy and new ideas I heard….”

“A breath of fresh air…”

“Also word is she can be blunt; to the point… doesn’t fanny around – and has a distinct lack of pretension…”

“Hmmm; got the impression she’s not taking any prisoners…”

“Me too; mind you… fairplay; she must have a huge salary to justify if the board managed to prise her away from TDMP.”

“She’s what this place needs.”

Abso-lutely… we’ve lost far too many accounts since Jonno left…”

So short-sighted letting him go… it needs a total shake up of presentation protocols for the client marketing team to begin with…”

“And as for the design side…”

“A mess!”

“And that’s being polite…”

“Did she mention what her plans were for creative?”

“She sort of hinted…”

Sort of?”

“She called me into her office and told me it wasn’t good enough…”

What?! Hers is easily the biggest on that floor and it’s got that great view over the square…”

“Not the office! Our overall creative response and processes – from client brief to deliverables to our lacklustre – her words – integration…”

What?!”

“Yeh… I know… everything… digital… content strategy… ATL… BTL… ‘BLT’ she called it –‘creative with no real meat; produced by a bunch of grey-boiled vegetables’…”

“Huh?!”

“… ‘A bland sandwich of unrelated concepts from ageing show ponies with as much bite as Ed Miliband…’ ”

“Christ almighty! Doesn’t she understand our USP?!”

Apparently not…”

“She told Julian she wants – ‘Inspiration not constipation…’ ”

No shit…”

Hmmm…”

“You did…”

“Of course I did… you know how we sweated blood and something much stronger than ruddy Prosecco on brainstorming that over several nights!”

“So you told her?”

“All of it – right between the eyes… Listen lady, I said – this is the agency distinguished by an open window on the world philosophy; a digital synergy of dialogue, storytellevating™ © and creative engineering…”

“She didn’t get it?!”

“Just bloody laughed..”

“What a bitch!”

“Bunny boiler!”

“Chocolate box creative…”

“Over promoted harpy…”

“What did she get awards for?!”

“Probably slept her way to the top…”

“Bottom line drone…”

“TDMP have been going down for years… and so has she by the look of it…”

“A creative dunghill…”

“Cheap tart!”

“I ask you… Prosecco!”

Banking On A Bonus

Bankers

Pensioners… the Disabled… Single Mothers… War Widows…  Minimum Wage Earners… Immigrants… Nurses… Hard Working Families…”

“What’s up Quentin?  You seem rather preoccupied?”

“Pardon..?”

“Just then… reciting something to yourself…”

“Sorry Nigel… I’ve just had a simply awful thought…”

“My god man – what is it?!”

“When we screw up again in the new year… who the hell is going to bail us out this time?!!!”

 

NEW! The Nazi Channel on Freeview

jackboots

JACKBOOT!

NEW on Freeview 666… 

JACKBOOT! for the darkness within…

Can’t get enough of National Socialism?

Want to Nazi Party like it’s 1939?

Never tire of turning over the burnt embers of Berlin again?

Try JACKBOOT!  The  NEW Channel for all things Nazi available on Freeview 666

It’s Launch Night!

In a special first scheduled evening of programmes we present collaborations in association with our friends at Yesterday, Channel Four, Channel 5, Sky 1, The BBC, The History Channel, Dave and ITV

1.00pm:  The Nazis: A Warning From History

2.00pm:  BLONDI – A Dog For A Fϋhrer with Paul O’Grady

The story of ONE megaloMANiac and his DOG…

Adolf Hitler

2.30pm:  Eva’s Beauty Secrets

Advice for the palest of frauleins in avoiding the effects of propaganda and total war on your complexion…

2.40pm:  Ice Road Panzers

An Operation Barbarossa edition containing all the thrills and spills of the Russian winter…

3.35 pm:  The Nazis: Another Warning From History

4.35pm:  Container Wars

Priceless Russian Icons for Goebbels or Vatican secret stash? Bidding starts from the docks at Buenos Aires…

5.00pm:  Eva’s Beauty Secrets

Eva and Hitler

Berghof Beautiful: The health benefits of mountain retreats and sadomasochistic sex…

5.10 pm:  The Nazis: Yet Another Warning From History

6.10 pm:  Nazis On Benefits And Over Here!

What could have happened followed by a lively studio debate…

7.40 pm:  Eva’s Beauty Secrets

Eva Braun in swimsuit

Keeping your skin moist whilst living in a bunker…

7.50pm:  Embarrassing Bodies

Dr Christian asks the questions: Did Hitler really only have one ball? What was all that shouting about? And was he truly the ultimate incarnation of evil or mad as a box of frogs because no one liked his paintings?

8.50pm:  The Nazis: A Further Warning From History

9.50pm:  F*** Off!  I’m A National Socialist, Bigoted,  Racist, Fat and Proud! 

Obese – Is fat a Fascist issue?

10.50pm:  Ross Kemp’s Extreme World

On the trail of the trails of the old Nazis: Ross Kemp is granted another dangerous rendezvous and makes a hasty exit as the old Nazis get feisty…

11.50pm:  Horst Wessel Knew My Mum

The Nazis in popular song…

12.20am:  What Heidi Did Next With A Beer Stein

Beer Steins

The original 18-30 holidays:  Hitler Youth and the Oktoberfests in Munich – tales of sauerkraut, hiding the sausage and a good old blitzkrieg in the beer halls…

1.00am:  Stand Up For The Nuremberg Comedy Club

Celebrate the dumkopf in you : “One day Hitler walked into the Reichstag…”

2.30am:  Carry On Up The Brandenburg Gate!”

Our late movie is an unseen classic from the Carry On series:

“Mein Kampf?  MeOoo I should say so duckie! Get you and yer totalitarianism!”

3.00am:  A Conversation At Closedown

Historian David Irving reconsiders on a theme: “Now that Adolf Hitler – he wasn’t such a bad chap…”

 

jackboots

Pre Subscription Advice:

Please note: Programmes to be repeated for a longer period than the Third Reich was intended – or lasted…

JACKBOOT! for the darkness within…

NEW on Freeview 666 

 

COMING SOON ON JACKBOOT!!!

The Mitford Diaries: The Original Blog… 

“Went to Nuremberg… tried awfully hard to get up to the front to see that Mr Hitler but the place was simply brimful of the most dreadful oafs in matching brown uniforms; although one has to say their jackboots were extremely stylish, both shiny and practical in a manner that Jeremy in the local hunt could only dream of…”

Three Reasons You Should Leave A Copywriting Job

I resign

 You know it’s time to leave a copywriting job when….

ONE: You still keep banging your head on a creative brick wall but you don’t bleed anymore

TWO: You find you almost don’t care about speling

THREE: Your boss starts addressing you as MR or MS Wordsmith

A) It’s patronising…

B) It means you’re marginalised and your creativity is safely under control…

C) You’re almost irrelevant; a sideshow even…

D) You’re an indulgence…

E) You’re not really necessary but we tolerate having you around…

F) Ooh… what a quaint little skill that is in our big hard-nosed sales environment…

G) This is the real world – You fill the space, OK?

Word Power

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“Pen… mightier than the sword? Of course I believe it, my dear fellow… It may be a source of cliché, however, as a celebrated man of letters deeply in touch with the serendipity of his muse, I endorse the power of the written word wholeheartedly and without any undue reservation… words can topple dictators, invigorate the spirit and surpass all that is ugly… Read more.

I Speak Your Weight – Election Special

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TORY:  “It’s time to stand on your own two feet, pull your belt in and throw those curtains wide before six in the morning; along with the rest of the hard-working families in our country who pay their full tax contribution toward getting down the deficit.  Did I tell you me and Sam love a… Read more.

The Creative Dictator

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“Hmmm, yes, absolutely… here at Mediaocre Associates we operate a holistic approach.  We’re all recognised as creatives you know.  All got our part to play…  Everybody buys into the core ethos of what we describe as – creative enablement.   Everyone from the ground up is a crucial part of the process… even the interns have a fundamental role… Read more.

We Have A Business Plan

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  “Right, okay ladies and gentlemen…. if I can refer you to the Corporate Business Plan… as you will see, we have incorporated a strategic delivery framework, along with key improvement plans that we expect to bear considerable benefits to the business in the medium term.  We have of course integrated performance targets; a short-term financial strategy,… Read more.